Blind
by Cheddar
Summary: Scully ponders the way things could have been
1. Default Chapter Title

TITLE: Blind (1/3)

AUTHOR: Cheddar (Cheddar1013@yahoo.com)

SPOILERS: Requiem, itty-bitty one for 'The End' (betcha can't find it!)

RATING: PG 

CATEGORY: V, Scullyangst, M/S UST, songfic

DISCLAIMER: All these kewl peeps in the story aren't mine (snif snif) and never will be... but I can dream, can't I? Also "What might have been" belongs to Little Texas and I am just borrowing it. 

ARCHIVING: Sure, as long as my name and email are still on it 

SUMMARY: Scully reflects on her past 

NOTE: noromos and non-shippers might not hate this... die-hard shippers might though!

She never did completely forget him. Of course, you never can totally forget someone you spent over seven years with. Spent. Hm. Perhaps that wasn't the most accurate word. Of course, there never were very many words in the English language that accurately described the two.

No, she had not forgotten him. She thought of him from time to time- the interval between them growing increasingly longer and longer as time went by- but in simply, restrictively, a curious way. Just thought of how he was doing, if he was happy, and what he was up to these days. Even when she tucked her daughter in for bed every night- lingering in front of the headboard just gazing at her breathe- she didn't think of him. Well, maybe occasionally. And sometimes when the little girl turned towards the sun, a shadow cast upon half of her face, she could see the part of her that was his. That's when she wondered.

She has a good life. She has her daughter, her work, her health. She has her mother and brothers and their families. She has friends, and an occasional love interest. She is happy.

A short letter was sent to her house a few months ago. His familiar schoolboy-like sloppiness was wrapped around each letter and she had to smile when she first opened it. He tried to be neat and organized, but he failed miserably. To an outsider, that was a downfall to his already apparently faulty character; but to her she knew it was one of the miniscule traitswhichhe possessed that made him beautiful. 

The letter was brief, just a greeting. He said he was doing well, and very focused on his new work. He was enjoying the challenge. He likes Boston, but misses DC. He hoped she and Alexandria were doing well and wished them the best. And it was signed.

She read over the letter several times till she had nearly memorized it. She didn't believe one word it said.

He had a way about him that came off as cool and confident. His urbane manner and suave appearances were his protector to the demon of insecurity and frightfulness he possessed. The letter was his plea for her to come back.

But she couldn't. She knew it and he knew it. Too much time had passed. It would not work. But of course, she did not say that in her letter back to him. It merely said she was glad he was doing well, that Alex was top of her 1st grade class, her job was going smoothly, and she wished him the best. Keep in touch. And it was signed.

She hesitated to sign it. A signature was a powerful weapon. It was a promise, it was truthful and honest. And her letter was not truthful and honest. Alex, of course, was the top of her class, but that was just a fact. The other stuff was fluff and courteous responses to the questions which he asked.

As she sent him the letter, a strange feeling came over her. What would happen when her daughter asked about her father? She had never even thought of this before, and it scared her. She always had frank, honest answers for Alex's questions, just as she had frank and honest answers with everything else in her life. But when Alex comes home one day and wonders...

She would simply say that her father is out of her life. Things did not work out between the two of them and they decided it would be better for Alex if her mother raised her alone. And they were happy, right? That's all that matters!

But of course, that too was a lie. All lies lead to the truth. But what else could she say to the innocence that she and he created? Should she say her father was abducted by aliens only a day before she found out her grandfather had impregnated her so she would give birth to his son's baby? No, of course not. There was no reason for her to know that. She had to protect her, no matter how much she had to lie.

She needed to talk with him. They were the parents of the true victim in this case, and they needed to decide what would be best for her. But she couldn't talk with him. She knew she would probably never exchange another word with him. She couldn't. 

They could, of course, meet somewhere and spend all night and all day discussing their present, thinking of their future, and reminiscing in their past. It could be the most intimate, most amazing, most heartfelt conversation she would ever have in her life, but they both knew they couldn't go back.

Why couldn't they go back? It had been too long. Too much had happened and it was best if they went their separate ways. Was it best? Yes it was. If they did reunite, it would not work. Work, in the conventional sense, that is. It may work for them, but they had too unique of a relationship to work for everyone around them.

Work. Wrong word. She mentally noted that she needed to think of a better word besides 'work'. That did not fit in their situation.

She knew they could never fall in love. They would never call each other pet names, spoon, give each other secret notes, buy flowers and candy for each other, go on a romantic vacation... That just wasn't them. It never was, and it never will be. They had kissed but once... and yet oddly enough it seemed they are closer than old married couples.

Were. They were closer. They aren't close now.

Or are they? Was theirs one of the relationships where time had no effect whatsoever on their love for each other?

She chastised herself for musing. Why was she doing this? She never thought of him anymore. She didn't care for him anymore, she didn't want to. She knew it would be no use to wonder things like these. It was childish and immature. Perhaps her daughter was bringing out the little girl in her. She smiled.

Hunger pangs crept throughout her empty stomach as she rose out of bed for another lazy summer day. A few drops of milk spilled over the rim of her cereal bowl as she groggily craddled it towards the sunroom. She reached behind the bakers rack to the piles of family albums she had. Dust made her sneeze, as if punishing her for years of abandonment. She had always loved looking through photo albums, this time no different. Memories, tastes, smells, feelings flooded her emotions and captured her in time as she flipped through the pages.

She closed the book and was leaning over to put it back when a picture fell out onto the carpet. She leaned over to pick it up and almost dropped it when she saw it. Almost.

It was a picture of him and her. A crime-scene photo she could have sworn was burned about 12 years ago. The edges were torn, but the picture itself was still clear as if it were taken just that morning. Her hair was bright and vigorously red as it used to be, her face young and smart. His face was concentrated- beautifully focused on the intense sheet of paper they held between them. They were so focused, so intent on the case they were both engrossed in, nothing in their busy surroundings bothered them. Him and me, she thought. That's how it used to be.

Looking at the picture gave her an odd feeling of curiosity. No longer was she curious simply about him, but about _them. What might have been had he not been so cruelly snatched from her strangely perfect life? Would they have worked their lives together until their names were etched in the stars?_

Her heart was gripped with a longing of seeing him again. But once again the sensible side of her took over.

What might have been?

Put the picture away.

What could have been?

It's been so long...

We were so close... our hearts beat as one...

It's no use. Why now?

What might have been?

It can't be too late...

Perhaps...

Dana Scully slammed the book shut, thew it behind the couch, and got up to make herself a pot of coffee.

Note: I'm a die-hard shipper and want nothing more than for our lovely agents to marry and live together in blissful eterneity, but I entertained the thought of "what might have been" from Scully's view if they never did get together after Mulder was returned. Here are the entire lyrics of Little Texas's "What might have Been"

Sure I think about you now and then

But it's been a long, long time

I've got a good life now

I've moved on

So when you cross my mind

I try not to think about what might have been

Cause that was then

And we have taken different roads

We can't go back again

There's no use giving in

And there's no way to know

What might have been

We can sit and talk about this all night long

Wonder why we didn't last

Yes, they may well be the best days we will ever know

But we'll have to leave them in the past

So try not to think about what might have been

Cause that was then

And we have taken different roads

We can't go back again

There's no use giving in

And there's no way to know

What might have been

  
The same old look in your eyes

It's a beautiful night

I'm so glad to stay

But too much time has gone by

We should just say goodbye

And turn and walk away

Try not to think about what might have been

Cause that was then   
And we have taken different roads

We can't go back again

There's no use giving in

And there's no way to know

What might have been

No we'll never know…

What might have been 


	2. Default Chapter Title

TITLE: Once more, never again (2/3)

AUTHOR: Cheddar (cheddar1013@yahoo.com)

CATEGORY: V, Mulderangst, MSR, songfic

RATING: PG

SPOILERS: Requiem  
SUMMARY: Mulder can't forget her- sequel to Blind

ARCHIVING: Anytime, anywhere

FEEDBACK: Please, please. I always need suggestions and critics on my writing.

DISCLAIMER: All I want for Christmas is my two favorite agents… sing with me! Oh well. I tried. Meanwhile, Mulder and Scully belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and FOX

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Someone told me I needed a sequel for my first fic, Blind. I didn't really think so at the time but the more I think about it the more I agree with them. So here it is. Tell me if I succeeded or should have let sleeping dogs lie! :)

He never did completely forget her. To be honest, he never forgot her at all. He could never admit it to anyone, but she arrived silently in his thoughts and dreams every day- and he could not forget her.

He didn't want to forget her. He didn't want to forget how she would raise her eyebrow sardonically when he joked with her. Or how she would lift her chin with a smile when he made a fool of himself. He didn't want to forget her mushroom-shaped hair or her soft skin. It was those thoughts that kept him alive when he thought it was all over. All those times Death breathed his hot, smoky breath down his neck, casting a fire to rise beneath him. She kept him going, whether she knew it or not.

She didn't know it. He never told her. But then again, she never told him either.

He wished he had. God, if he could have one wish he would beg her forgiveness for everything he had done for her- for all he had taken away and all he had destroyed. The list of times he broke her heart went on and on and physically it hurt him to think of it. If he had one wish it would be to tell her he was sorry- and to tell her she was his world.

Oddly enough, the one thing he knew she wanted most, that he took away from her, was given back. He did not give it back, but it was given back to her. And her name was Alex. 

Their little girl was the most beautiful creature he had ever laid eyes on. She had inherited her mother's face, her mother's hair, her mother's height. But, according to her, she had inherited her father's stubbornness and perseverance. And when she told him that a long time ago- and it *was* a very long time ago- she did not seem annoyed, or disappointed, or troubled. She said it with a silent smile, and he liked that. That was his smile.

Once, it was his smile. Once, she belonged to him, and he belonged to her. That's how it is supposed to be.

***********

He wrote her once. About a year and a half ago. She had written back several weeks later. It was nice to hold in his hand something she had held in hers, but it wasn't the same. Their letters were polite and superficial, and that's not how it used to be. That's not how it is supposed to be, he thought sadly. This isn't how it was supposed to turn out.

When they brought him back, he woke up to find his boss at his side, saying it was over now and everything was all right. But that wasn't what he wanted to hear. He immediately asked of her, and his reply was, "You have a daughter".

More than two years had passed while he was gone. Too much had happened. She had moved on and did not want to look back. She needed to move forward with her life, and he and their work had held her back. He remembered painfully one of their last conversations before he was taken. He told her it wasn't worth it, that this wasn't where she was supposed to be. 

Although he knew things were better this way, it was a living hell without her.

But he could not tell her that. This was what was best for her, and lamenting for her was just in vain. 

**************

It was a cold winter's night. Late December… wait. Tonight was Christmas Eve. He had completely forgotten. That isn't surprising, since he had no one to remind him. His work in Boston was lonesome work- and he did not have a partner or boss who watched out for him. He still lived alone and never dated. It was an okay lifestyle- one he was used to and had experienced before in his life. Before she came.

Christmas Eve. No one should be alone on Christmas Eve, he said, smiling. A feeling of warmth and hope tickled his heart as he got an idea. He would call his daughter. He had spoken to her briefly on the phone a long time ago but he wanted to have a conversation now and to wish her a merry Christmas. She was old enough now- nine. Almost ten. He needed to talk with her.

He knew their number by heart, thought he never called it, and shook as he dialed the numbers. A young voice answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Alex? Is this Alex?"

"Yes sir, who is this?"

"This is…this is Dad…"

The conversation was soft and tentative, as both father and daughter carefully dipped their toes into the warm water. He was not used to being a father, and he did not know how to act. But the seconds rolled into minutes, and the minutes to an hour and they soon were having a delightful exchange- until she found out.

He heard her breath let out when Alex told her who she was talking with. She did not seem angry, but a bit afraid. He heard her tell their daughter to wrap it up, and then hand the phone over to her. She did as she was told. He promised to start calling more often. She replied,"I love you, Daddy."

Her mother picked up the receiver and for a moment neither knew what to say. He opened his mouth and tears welled up in his eyes. He didn't even say hello to her, for he knew they needed no greeting. They already knew each other.

"Scully-" his voice broke. "I miss you."

At this he heard her begin to cry softly. "I know."

"Scully," he whispered, more scared than he had ever been in his life. "I'm lonely…"

She bit her lip, trying not to lose it completely. She managed to whisper back in a voice he knew only he could hear. "When I left you… I didn't see how much I needed you… how I can't live without you…"

She spoke the Truth to him, and for once the Truth sounded beautiful.

"When I had you once more," he answered softly, in an equally hushed tone. "I didn't see how I never wanted to let you go."

And with that, unspoken words were exchanged, and he knew that it was still Christmas Eve, but he was no longer alone. And although they used to be blind, it was never again.

# You'll accompany me

(By Bob Seiger)

A gypsy wind is blowing warm tonight

The sky is starlet and the time is right

And still you're telling me you have to go

Before you leave there's something you should know

Yeah, there's something you should know baby

I've seen you smiling in the summer sun

I've seen your long hair flying when you run

I've made my mind up that it's meant to be

Someday lady, you'll accompany me

Someday lady you'll accompany me

Out where the rivers meet the sounding sea

You're high above me now, you're wild and free

Oh but someday lady you'll accompany me

Someday lady you'll accompany me

Some people say that love's a losing game

You start with fire but you lost the flame

The ashes smolder but the warmth's soon gone

You end up cold and lonely on your own

I'll take my chances babe, I'll risk it all

I'll win your love, or I'll take the fall

I've made my mind up girl, it's meant to be

Someday lady you'll accompany me

Someday lady you'll accompany me

It's written down somewhere, it's got to be

You're high above me now, you're wild and free

Oh but someday lady you'll accompany me

Someday lady you'll accompany me

Someday lady you'll accompany me

Out where the rivers meet the sounding sea

I feel it in my soul, it's mean to be

Oh, someday lady you'll accompany me

Someday lady you'll accompany me

You will accompany me…

NOTE: The end! Hoped you liked it. I couldn't bear to leave them apart! The shipper in me has taken over :). If you noticed, I made this part 3 of 3. I have begun a challenging prequel to Blind. Grr why do I have to make things difficult by writing the ending to stories before the beginning…?


End file.
